I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
