Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
