I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
