Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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