Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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