I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
