Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
