Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
