I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
