you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
