I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
