i jhust puked up my retainher.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
