I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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