What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My penis needs a shock collar
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
