I'm pants shitting drunk right now
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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