If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
