I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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