hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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