In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
