D3 body, D1 cock
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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