Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I AM VODKA MAN
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
