So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
