I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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