I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
