Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
