woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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