we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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