College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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