A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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