dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
