3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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