it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
