I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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