Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
