Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
