Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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