also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
