FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
