she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
