i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
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