Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
