I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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