There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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