WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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