my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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