wat bout pragnant strippers??
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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