Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
