Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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