I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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