Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
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Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
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I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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