I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
