I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
