Umm I'm too high to move.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
