and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
